It’s too hard to see her like that

The Imperfect Caregiver by Bobbi Carducci:
Caregiver You Are Not Alone: Thomas’ Story

“When family members opt out of helping care for someone it’s not unusual for them to say, “It’s too hard to see him or her like that.”

This Common Experience Was Our Experience, Too

My husband’s brother initiated the idea of their mother moving from Florida to live closer to family. He and his wife did not, however, want the responsibility of being her caregiver, so she moved to our town. Later, I became her primary caregiver when she moved into our home. When Mom hit the slippery slope of physical decline, my sister-in-law excused her husband from visiting frequently saying, as above, “It’s too hard for him to see her like that.”

“My mother-in-law’s decline was especially difficult for my
brother-in-law; his wife made a point to express this to me very
specifically. He had no confidence in his ability to be alone with
her. With tears in his eyes, he told me that he saw himself as the
“last bastion of propriety” in his relationship with his mother. I did
understand how difficult it is to watch a loved one’s decline; his
brother, after all, faced it every day. I felt, however, that was not
an acceptable excuse for not assuming responsibility. During that
same conversation, his wife also made this comment: ‘My priority
is my children. I am only a daughter-in-law.’ I was amazed.”

What to Do about Mama? p. 20

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