How to Disentangle from Caregiving

Posted: July 18, 2021 | Author: | Filed under: Assuming Caregiving Responsibilities, Caregiving Roles and Responsibilities, Emotional and Physical Challenges, Impact on Family Relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Most caregivers, I think, enter into caregiving with good intentions, but that is no guarantee that the endeavor will end well.  Caregivers sometimes sacrifice their careers, income, marriages, friendships, and health.  Oftentimes they find themselves stuck and thinking they have reached a point where they can no longer care for elderly parents.

In her July 7, 2021, podcast: When You Can No Longer Care for Elderly Parents-The Caring Generation®, Pamela Wilson discusses seven ways to disentangle yourself from caregiving. 

But what really hooked me on the podcast was information shared by Pamela’s guest, Dr. Ingrid Bacon, a mental health therapist, researcher, and educator at Kingston and St. George’s University of London.

Now, I have given a lot of thought to my past caregiving experience. So much so that I wrote What to Do about Mama? which was, I think, a way of processing the ups and downs of that experience. 

But when I listened to Dr. Bacon speak about the tendency for caregivers to excessively meet the needs of others—to the expense of their own needs—I found myself looking at my own experience from a new and different perspective. 

Bacon noted that some family caregivers exhibit an injury pattern of extreme emotional, relational, and occupational imbalance—problems linked to their formative childhood experiences.  The caregiver’s need for growth, self-development, validation, safety, or belonging, for example, can result in an over adaptation to the needs of others.  Subsequently, these self-sacrificing behaviors lead to a suppression of their own needs and emotions, and a dynamic of interpersonal control.  All combined, these factors create conflict that is detrimental to the whole caregiving process. 

This process was complicated in my personal caregiving situation by the fact that I was not a daughter, but a daughter-in-law.  I did not grow up in the same environment as had my husband and his siblings. 

Circumstances of my childhood were such that my basic need for safety, stability, nurturing, and acceptance were not adequately met.  Although I know that my involvement with my husband’s family from the age of 18 was largely based on my need to be a part of a (safe, stable, nurturing and accepting) family, I realize now that they probably did not know the extent to which they filled that need. 

Because I wanted to express my “thanks” for being a part of this family for 40 years, I sacrificed a lot to care for my mother-in-law—with the expectation that my brother and sisters-in-law would be making like-sacrifices.  Through over-adapting, I became almost imprisoned in the role; entangled in excessive doing and caring to the point of burnout. 

The results were not pretty. During the last of 7 years of caregiving, I detached emotionally from my mother-in-law and my relationship with my siblings-in-law devolved from being historically good to one that is now nearly non-existent.     

“Where do we go from here? Well, I really don’t know, but I do know it will depend on the kind of relationship my husband wants with his family, my gentle urging, and his siblings’ receptiveness and response. David has never been proactive in maintaining relationships. The frequent interaction we had with his family once his mother moved north all revolved around her. I don’t know if the current lack of interaction is a matter of returning to the old status quo or if it is about hurt. They have now “all moved on” in their best “we don’t talk about it” fashion. Time will tell if the moving on will include us, or not. This is not the way I would handle it, but really, this is not about me.”

What to Do about Mama? p. 40

It has been ten years since my mother-in-law passed away.  I cannot comment on the relationships my husband’s siblings have with each other, but as far as my husband and I are concerned, the process of their “moving on” makes me question if our once-warm bond was nothing more than a figment of my imagination. 

Pamela Wilson’s Seven Steps to disentangle yourself from caregiving

  1. Decide and commit to changing the situation mentally—in your mind.
  2. Create a family care plan to present and discuss with your parents and the family.
  3. Be open to learning.
  4. Be honest and transparent.
  5. Hold a family meeting to announce your decision to decrease, modify, or end caregiving responsibilities.
  6. Support two-way conversations with siblings, parents, and others who want to discuss the plan.
  7. Commit to regaining your sense of self–to identify what you value and what you want and need from life.

Thoughts for consideration

Do not buy into faulty beliefs: 

  • Denial:  Assuming that children will care for their parents or that parents will never get sick or need care.
  • Avoidance:  Not preparing ahead of time by initiating caregiving conversations before a “crisis situation” develops.
  • Control:  Taking over because you think it’s easier or faster to take charge.

To move forward when you realize you cannot live like this anymore:

  • Prepare mentally.
  • Research information.
  • Contemplate your situation—think ahead.
  • Commit to change.
  • Offer options

Communication

  • Be honest and transparent about escalating needs. 
  • Recognize that others may fear change, and therefore, resist. 
  • Ask siblings how they want to participate to implement needed changes.
  • Set a realistic timeline, then move ahead.
  • Be prepared for conflict.  Guilty feelings foster defensiveness.  Remain calm and listen without justifying your need to regain independence and tp live in peace.
  • Solicit outside help to navigate family conflict. 
  • You are not a “quitter”.  Do not fall back into a pattern of fear and self-doubt.

There is life after caregiving!

Thoughts about Denial

Posted: March 16, 2020 | Author: | Filed under: Aftermath of Caregiving, Emotional and Physical Challenges, Financial Considerations, Impact on Family Relationships, Miscellaneous | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I asked on my Home Page:  Did you ever have a major life experience that made you say (or even just think), “I should write a book”? Well, I did.  The Caregiving Experience.  I kept a journal; I saved e-mails written to family; I had a veritable glut of relevant information and experience.  So, what did I do with all this stuff?  I wrote What to Do about Mama?  The book was released November 2013, and within a couple of years I was thinking:

  • Young people don’t think they need it yet.
  • Caregivers are too darn busy.
  • Post-caregivers just want to “put it all behind them.”

Believe me, I get it.  But these attitudes are a core reason for why caregiving becomes one big viscous cycle.  It usually takes a crisis to pull us out of the procrastination, avoidance, and denial mode.  I want to tell you—that just ain’t no fun.    

The 2nd edition of What to Do about Mama? has now been released.  There’s a new chapter, The Aftermath of Caregiving, which deals with a number of these issues.

There are many steps you can take to be proactive about preparing for future caregiving needs.  Many are discussed in the book. Here is just one:

Parent Information Folder
Contents
Conversation Project
  • The folder has the relevant information our children (or surviving spouse) will need.
  • Table of Contents: Financial (accounts, expenses, insurance, taxes and payments; Legal (information and paperwork); Property Maintenance (home and vehicles); Medical Information (insurance, medical history, wishes and preferences for end-of-life care); Other (information to access accounts, an inventory of belongings with our children’s and grandchildren’s preferences noted).
  • The Conversation Project is a conversation starter, but it also contains our values, as well as our preferences for life-decisions and care. It is in the medical section.
  • Our will and directives are also completed, but are in a separate file.

Denial of Caregiving:
Three articles of interest.

Daily Caregiving:  3 Ways to Deal with Family in Denial About Seniors Needing Help
https://www.dailycaring.com/3-ways-to-deal-with-family-in-denial-about-seniors-needing-help/

According to the Mayo Clinic, “Denial is a coping mechanism that gives you time to adjust to distressing situations.”

Why would someone be in denial?

  • Asking someone to change how they see your older adult threatens their whole world. That’s usually why people fall back on denial.
  • It’s safe and comfortable to pretend that everything is fine and nothing is changing.
  • For some, denial is a subconscious way to ignore the fact that their parent or spouse is declining. For others, it’s a way to avoid taking on caregiving responsibilities.

A Place for Mom: 13 Dangers of Caregiver Denial  
https://www.aplaceformom.com/blog/9-28-15-dangers-of-caregiver-denial/

Denial is a normal human emotion.  No one wants to confront diseases such as Alzheimer’s for which there is currently no cure.  Caregiver denial presents dangers that puts the caregiver at risk, as well as the care receiver.  Elizabeth Lonseth, whose parents and parents-in-law were all diagnosed with memory impairment, is the author of “A Gradual Disappearance”.  Elizabeth is up-front that it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been through the caregiving experience—it never gets easy. But a little education helps, and the article presents some good pointers and survival tips to keep in mind.

  • 7 Dangers of Denial for the Patient
  • 6 Dangers of Denial for Family Members

Our Aging Parents: Are Your Elderly Parents In Denial?  By Mike Gamble
https://ouragingparents.net/elderly-parent-denial

This article questions whether what appears to be denial is really triggered by underlying causes, and that progress depends on understanding those causes. 

  • Pride — Fiercely independent, they simply don’t want to admit they can no longer do many of the things needed to live independently.
  • Embarrassment — They are uncomfortably self-conscious because they can’t do things they used to do with ease.
  • Ashamed — They are afraid of disappointing friends, family members and other people they admire and love because they are no longer capable of living independently.
  • Fearful — They are afraid of losing their independence and/or their ability to function independently. Such as giving up driving
  • Depressed — They look sad, talk less, never smile, are joyless, believe they are a burden.
  • Powerless — They feel helpless — like they no longer have the power or ability to act to change their circumstances. They withdraw, become socially isolated.
  • Core Identity — There’s nothing that leaves you feeling more powerless than losing your core identity.

This last list is really hitting home for me right now. I’ll save that discussion for another day.

Barb Matthews