Excuses Used to Avoid Caregiving–RevisitedPosted: November 15, 2020 Filed under: Assuming Caregiving Responsibilities, Caregiving Roles and Responsibilities, Impact on Family Relationships | Tags: Carol Bradley Bursack, DailyCaring.com, Excuses for avoiding caregiving, It's in the Book! Leave a comment
I recently read the November 10, 2020, DailyCaring.com article:
OVERCOME 3 EXCUSES FROM RELATIVES WHO AVOID CAREGIVING
Upon reading the article, I thought to myself: Caregiving really is a timeless topic. I have blogged about this before. So, I did a little exploring and—yep—I had. On March 2, 2014, I posted It’s in the Book! It featured Carol Bradley Bursack’s article: TOP 3 EXCUSES FROM SIBLINGS WHO DON’T HELP WITH CAREGIVING.
Although the three excuses listed in each article are not duplications, the general point is the same. As stated in the DailyCaring article: Caregivers need more help and support. Many caregivers take on more responsibility for their older adult than others in their family. In AARP’s 2020 report, half of all family caregivers said that nobody else provided unpaid care. Caring for an older adult by yourself can be exhausting and damaging to health. But getting family to help is often a challenge. Getting a better understanding of why family members aren’t doing their part helps you find ways to get them to participate in caregiving.
OVERCOME 3 EXCUSES FROM RELATIVES WHO AVOID CAREGIVING
- They think you don’t need any help
It may look like you’ve got everything under control and don’t need help. Those who aren’t involved in day-to-day care have no idea of how much caregiving entails.
- They don’t know how to help
They respond better to requests and to assigned specific tasks.
- They’re scared of doing a bad job
Firsthand experience is more effective.
More exposure = more comfortable
TOP 3 EXCUSES FROM SIBLINGS WHO DON’T HELP WITH CAREGIVING
- I don’t have time
Probably the most often used excuse implies that you do.
- I don’t have the money
But that does not preclude finding a way to pitch in and help out.
- I Can’t Bear to See Mom/Dad Like That
They think you like it? Day after day you watch the decline. You help them with everything, including very intimate day-to-day functions, such as toileting. Do your siblings think this step has been easy for you? It is difficult to watch a loved one’s decline–but it’s difficult for the caregiver(s), too.
Related and Relevant quotes from What to Do about Mama?
“When the initial alarm sounds, caregivers are filled with worry— maybe even fear. They kick into action to find a solution that will make it “all better.” In the attempt to gain control of the situation they become the caregiver. And things sometimes do get better, adjustments are made, and a new norm is established. But, inevitably, there is another setback, or more probably, a new crisis. Caregivers may begin to realize that they just might need some help and begin to call on those people they expect to provide that help—family. (There’s nothing like caregiving to learn about our families.)”What to Do about Mama? p. 174
The issue again is expectations—those you place on yourself. You are only human. You will make mistakes. You will lose patience. Forgive yourself. Use each “shortfall” as a learning experience. Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions; don’t internalize them. Cultivate your connection with family and friends, choosing relationships with positive people and minimizing contact with negative ones. Enlist your family to help. Make a list of all the things you do, and be specific about the help you need.What to Do about Mama? p. 179
“You don’t understand the pressures of our jobs.”What to Do about Mama? p. 13
“My mother-in-law’s decline was especially difficult for my brother-in-law; his wife made a point to express this to me very specifically. He had no confidence in his ability to be alone with her. With tears in his eyes, he told me that he saw himself as the “last bastion of propriety” in his relationship with his mother. I did understand how difficult it is to watch a loved one’s decline; his brother, after all, faced it every day. I felt, however, that was not an acceptable excuse for not assuming responsibility.”What to Do about Mama? p. 15:
The number one recommendation from the caregiver-contributors to this book is to get help. Caregivers tend to step in with their “can-do” attitudes and continue to shoulder ever-increasing responsibility until they reach the point of being crushed by the burden. So, whether you hire help, accept help, or both—just do it!What to Do about Mama? p. 170
Explore both articles for suggestions how to overcome the excuses relatives use to avoid caregiving so they’ll give you the help you need and deserve.
Forgiveness was easy for you then–why isn’t it now?Posted: April 22, 2020 Filed under: Emotional and Physical Challenges, Impact on Family Relationships, Miscellaneous, Topics of Current Interest | Tags: Carol Bradley Bursack, elderly mothers, forgiveness, mother-daughter guilt, mothers and daughters Leave a comment
Coronavirus has made it painfully clear: Life is fragile. Life if unpredictable. Do you have unfinished business or need to make amends? This could be your last best opportunity—the time to do it is now. Denial and procrastination are pathways to regret.
See the AgingCare article “Caregivers can Celebrate Mother’s Day With Forgiveness” by Carol Bradley Bursack. It is sage and timely advice—especially for mothers and daughters—and it really hitting home with me this year in a way I never expected.
- The sainted ideal of motherhood is a myth.
- Mothers are only human and therefore have flaws. Your mother may have been a wounded soul who overcame her difficulties the best she could.
- We need to understand, love, and forgive ourselves for our perceived failures. We need to try to understand, love and forgive our mothers for their imperfections, too.
- Perfection is hard to define and is a matter of perspective.
- Most mothers did their best, and most of us come to realize this.
- Remember to look at your relationship through eyes of appreciation, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.
- We are the sum-total of our life experiences, so nothing is completely forgotten. Forgiveness does not equate with forgetting.
- Learn from mistakes—both yours and those of others.
- Reaching forgiveness is important. It is needed in order to lose the guilt and to understand and forgive ourselves.
- Anger and resentment make you bitter/disagreeable; they interfere with your ability to improve your own life.