My grandchildren’s Grammy, in other words—my counterpart—passed away on Father’s day. Up until the last half year of her life, she was a vital woman and a go-to grandma. She and her husband were married for nearly 44 years–two months less than I have been married to mine. He wrote her eulogy, a beautiful tribute to his wife and their marriage. The eulogy was hard for him to deliver at the funeral; he did it, but broke down. My 6-year old granddaughter sat beside me, my arm around her holding on tight. She cried when she saw her grandfather cry. My 3-year-old grandson was a little wiggly in my lap; he being too young to understand.
Really, none of us “understands.” Sure we know that we all live, and then we all die. But we would drive ourselves to madness if we tried to make sense of the who’s and the how’s and the why’s, or the “fairness” of it all.
It’s also so hard to know what to say to someone who is unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer and decides not to undergo treatment. So I tried to express my feelings by telling her:
“I am thinking about…
how overwhelmed you must have felt at the seemingly sudden onset of your disease;
how difficult it has been for you to decide what path to take;
the strength of your convictions in deciding your course of action;
your incredibly difficult decision and the courage of your choice;
how you are living life on your own terms;
the wonderful job you have done raising your children who have pulled together in providing support, in respecting your right to choose, and in demonstrating their unconditional love for you;
how much your daughter loves you;
how I hope my son is able to tell you how deeply he loves and respects you, but that if he cannot find his way to speak of his emotions, that you will trust me when I say that he does;
how I will always tell our grandchilden how much love their Grammy has for them and how much joy they have given you.”
And then, at a later date, when the end was drawing near, I sent:
“A Heartfelt Message”
You have given our family a precious gift—YOUR DAUGHTER.
Your kind and gentle nature lives through her.
You have instilled in her the values of love, patience and honesty.
And so it passes—from mother, to daughter, to granddaughter.
Strong women, all.
I can only hope that these words somehow helped. I think they are what I would like to hear.
In AgingCare.com, http://www.agingcare.com
Whitney asks the following question:
I would like to hear stories about how your health has been affected by sibling(s) that refuse to help you with parents’ caregiving. Speaking for myself, I’ve had high blood pressure and am fatigued most days. I basically consider myself a calm person, but having to deal with impossible to get along with sibling(s) is really an emotional and physical strain. In addition, do you plan to end the relationship with your sibling(s) at some point that do not help you with caregiving?
Based on my experience as primary caregiver for my mother-in-law, I am absolutely convinced that caregiving has a direct correlation to caregiver health. I believe caregiver health is impacted by both the physical and emotional demands of the job. I address this issue in my book, “What to Do about Mama?”
• Around the time I turned 60, just before Mom became sick, I was sitting on the examining table at the doctor’s office for my yearly checkup, thinking, “I feel great!” In a matter of weeks, because of the dramatic increase of caregiving demands, fatigue, aches, and pains began to get the better of me. WTDAM p.11
• If the expectations we had coming into the caregiving relationship are not fulfilled, the seed for conflict is planted. Our expectations are born out of a sense of fairness. Imbalances of responsibility lead to bad feelings among siblings and to caregiver burnout. “Doing one’s part” is open to interpretation. You are not in control of your adult siblings, and when you try force your will (no matter how justified), it provokes a wide array of negative emotional responses. WTDAM p.60
I also address the issue of maintaining sibling relationships.
• There could be healing someday if you and your siblings find your way to let go of grudges. But you may also have to learn to accept that sometimes relationships are broken beyond repair, and it’s just not your job to fix them. Whereas childhood relationships with brothers and sisters are involuntary, maintaining them in adulthood is not. We are entitled to choose “not.” WTDAM p.113