Caregivers #1 recommendation!
Click on the following links to read the heartrending account of a caregiver, who’s husband has dementia. Together they were approaching brink during COVID. . .
Accepting the Gift of Caregiving:
Caregivers encouraging one another
When I read the above July 4th and August 19th articles by JAS
- My heart ached.
- My bones felt exhaustion.
- My ears heard her cry for help.
- I sensed the years she had aged.
- I felt old right along with her.
I understood the lesson she learned. It is a major takeaway of What to Do about Mama?
Ask for help! No one knows you need it if you do not ask.
The number one recommendation from the caregivers who contributed to What to Do about Mama? get help. Caregivers tend to step in with their “can-do” attitudes and continue to shoulder ever-increasing responsibility until they reach the point of being crushed by the burden. So, whether you hire help, accept help, or both—just do it!What to Do about Mama? p. 170
Caregivers: Beware of your care receiver wanting “only you” and the flip side of the coin—feeling that you are the only one who can provide care. In the beginning of the caregiving arrangement, it may all be “easily” manageable. But you have to look ahead and realize that inevitably the care receiver will have changing and increasing needs. If you set a precedent at the beginning that other people will be involved, you will set limits on your loved one’s dependency. Initially, contact with other people can be as simple as going to the local senior center or establishing relationships with “friendly visitors.” Gradually bring in help for home support and/or personal care, as needed. By the care receiver acclimating slowly, accepting “strangers” into the home won’t be as threatening. Also, encourage other family members to visit, assume responsibility, and afford you the opportunity to “get away.”What to Do about Mama? p. 259
The July 14, 2021, The Caring Generation Podcast focuses on the parent-child relationship.
Resentment Towards Parents – The Caring Generation®
But in this post, I would like to focus on the topic of resentment from a broader perspective. As caregivers soon discover, caregiving is fraught with a wide variety of emotions. In my own situation as a daughter-in-law caregiver, resentment played a big part in the decisions I made in the last two years of our caregiving relationship. Resentment was an emotion I wanted to avoid.
These “non-natural-child” relationships can bring a whole new set of emotional conflicts, such as difficulty adjusting to unfamiliar roles or experiencing resentment for making sacrifices that the “children” are not willing to make.What to Do about Mama? p. 151
My husband has three siblings—one brother and two sisters. I’m not sure if each of their childhood positions in the family played a role in the caregiving dynamics, but interestingly, it was the “middle children” who were most concerned about their mother living alone in Florida. My husband, the oldest, and his “baby” sister were more inclined to accept their mother’s stated preference of continuing to live at a distance from her children.
There was a lot of discussion, including a family meeting, and it was decided that Mom would move North and live near us and several of her grandchildren who were also located in the area. Although my husband and I were her frontline caregivers, it was our expectation that his siblings, who were all able to travel to the area within a couple of hours, would visit frequently.
Then there’s the issue of the “others,” the ones who are not taking on the responsibility of front-line caregiving. Too often, they are the ones who second-guess or criticize you. If you haven’t felt resentment before, you will now, and that emotion can really destroy relationships. Are you prepared to cope with this ongoing stress?What to Do about Mama? p. 167
It was also our expectation that as caregiving needs accelerated, the children would all pitch in to share the responsibility. After two years, it became necessary for my mother-in-law to receive a greater level-of-care than she was receiving in her independent senior living community. She then moved into our home, and I became her fulltime caregiver. The arrangement worked well for another two years.
But eventually, Mom’s health conditions hit the “slippery slope”. When this occurred, and more involvement was not forthcoming, we had a choice to make. For me personally, the choice became to either “accept” the status quo and feel resentful, or to confront the situation and establish boundary lines. I chose the latter because I did not want to carry the burden of resentment.
Don’t set your bar too high in comparison to the standards of other involved parties. Set boundary lines and stick to them. Taking on too much commitment and making too much sacrifice breeds resentment.What to Do about Mama? p. 256
We called another family meeting, and eventually, a family mediation, which improved our system of shared responsibility. However, in all honesty, it eventually resulted in my husband’s estrangement from his brother, and a much more tentative relationship with his sisters. For me, I am profoundly saddened by the loss of the once-close relationship I had with my husband’s family. I believe, however, that if I had allowed resentment to take hold, it would have been worse.
Now that our caregiving has ended, the relief is so palpable that I have no more anger, resentment, or bitterness left. I do not hold grudges, but I am a little wistful that the “closeness” of the past is probably in the past, and I am unsure of any potential for the future.What to Do about Mama? p. 194
Listen to the podcast to hear more about the following ideas:
- Resentment is caused by a lack of support and appreciation
- Differences in values can cause relationship challenges
- Personality differences impact resentment
- How to stop resentment