Surviving the Unimaginable: How to Cope with the Death of a Spouse

Photo courtesy of Unsplash by Ben White

Guest Post by Michael Longsdon

The death of your beloved spouse can shatter your entire world. There will be undeniable grief and sorrow as you mourn the love of your life. You might even begin to wonder how you’ll go on without them. For seniors who have possibly shared so many decades of their life with their significant other, it can be particularly difficult to move forward.

It’s important to realize that you are not alone. An estimated 800,000 people are widowed each year in the United States alone. Regardless of what some well-meaning people might tell you, there is not a “right” or “wrong” way to deal with the death of your beloved spouse. There is no specific amount of time you “should” take to grieve. The process is different for everyone.

Luckily, there are some time-tested words of wisdom that can help you cope in the weeks, months and years that follow the loss of your loved one:

First and foremost, give yourself time to grieve. During this process, you will undoubtedly need some support. Even for those with a solid support system and strong resilience, there is an unbelievable amount of grief that occurs when we lose our lifelong partner.

There will be some immediate needs that you will need to take care of, such as funeral planning and managing your household’s finances. It is common to feel overwhelmed by these sudden tasks – especially if your spouse typically handled most of the finances. Again, give yourself permission to reach out for help if you need it. Chances are, there might be a loving family member or a trusted friend who is willing to take on a few extra responsibilities to support you in this process.

Many people decide to move after the death of a spouse. This should not be a decision that is taken lightly, but instead should be made only after you’ve taken some time to really consider what is best for you. If you do eventually decide to move, you will want to properly handle and preserve any family heirlooms as items are either packed away into storage or donated. Not only do you want to protect the item, you also don’t want anything to get damaged in the process.

Regardless of whether or not you decide to move, you might also want to consider turning one of your beloved heirlooms into a memento. Choose an item that has special meaning to both yourself and your spouse, possibly something that reminds you of a happy memory or a certain aspect of his or her personality. Consider keeping the item and turning it into a keepsake that you can cherish for years to come.

As you work through your grief, you may look for other significant ways to remember your spouse. One excellent way to memorialize your loved one while also helping others is to start a nonprofit. As doing so can be complicated for those who aren’t familiar with the process, ZenBusiness offers step-by-step guidance on how to form your nonprofit. Especially if your loved one passed as a result of a specific medical condition or if there was a cause they were particularly involved in during their lifetime, a nonprofit can be a great way to raise awareness and funds while helping others in the process.

You don’t ever really get over the death of a spouse. But with patience and time, you will eventually get through it. Although the person you loved might be gone from this world in a physical form, they will always live on in your heart – and in your memories of your good times together.

Burnout Blues

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Have you ever sat in a coffee shop and “overheard” a neighboring conversation? If that is something you like to do, but feel guilty about eavesdropping, tune into the Jen and Joji Podcast.
Jenn and Joji Podcast

Here you will hear the chitchat of two (Millenial?) friends as they share their thoughts about a wide variety of topics, such as perfectionism and sobriety. The podcast I chose was BURNOUT, and although they largely spoke in general life terms, the conversation touched on and applied to the specific topic of CAREGIVING.

Jenn is an elementary school teacher whose entire nuclear family–both the spouses and their two young children–are overcoming a bout with coronavirus. Jenn noted that they now have SUPER ANTIBODIES. Jenn expressed that their COVID experience was like a “mini 2020” because of their return to quarantine status.

Joji is a nurse who had just experienced an overwhelming week, which consisted of work (an unusual 5-day shift) in conjunction with a week of caregiving (a responsibility she and her siblings share on a rotating basis). By Friday she felt like she was hitting a wall, noting that it felt like a train was barreling down on her that could not be stopped.

Respite care helps caregivers avoid burnout by taking time away from the senior-care environment. It helps prevent the depression that develops when caregivers do not make time for a well-rounded personal life. Again, respite care falls within the realm of family responsibilities and provides another good opportunity for friends or volunteers to help. But if these resources are not available to you, paid services are accessible in-home through independent caregivers and home-health agencies, or out-of-home at assisted-living or nursing-home facilities, adult day centers, and family respite-care homes.

What to Do about Mama? p. 184

These experiences led Jenn and Joji to talk about burnout and how to cope. They touched upon the following:

Signals of burnout:

  • Losing patience and being bothered by the “little things”.
  • Turning to alcohol, rationalizing that you “deserve” it, then feeling worse afterwards.

Self care as a ways to deal with burnout:

  • Use positive self-talk that does not assign an emotion to your feelings.
  • Acknowledging that you are burned out and taking time to “pause”
  • Learning to let go and not expecting yourself to be “perfect”
  • Establishing basic healthy habits (such as eating right, exercising and getting enough sleep)

Relationships and asking for help:

    From your spouse and children (it’s a good way for them to learn independence)
    From your siblings (as in sharing the responsibilities of caregiving)
    From your Boss and Co-workers.
    Remember you are a TEAM

Most importantly:

“I learned how to say, ‘NO,’ in addition to knowing when to say, ‘Yes.’”

What to Do about Mama? p. 267